January 2022

It's time for the first #accountabilityproject post of the year.

Those of you who have been along for the ride pre this platform will know exactly where this is going. For those of you who have just joined, welcome, and here's the basics: on the last day of every month, I sit myself down, reflect on the weeks that passed (and probably flew by, whether I was having fun or not, because apparently that's getting older for ya) and realign myself as needed.

Sometimes, I'll smash goals and respect my intentions and it'll be great. Other times, getting out of bed in the morning will have been the win and that'll be fine too.

The thing this project has taught me has been to be kinder towards myself. I come from a household where perfection was the standard, where grades were a representation of my worth, where I received love if I was up to par. Which taught me that I always needed to be on my A game. That I always needed to learn and be better and strive for the top, because otherwise why would people care?

Sitting down every month; reviewing everything that happened in the past 30 days; processing and dissecting the anxiety and stress and the good and the bad, has helped me realize that sometimes things go sideways and that's okay. Because if I reach the 31st and go 'Dang, I didn't do that thing this month and I suck', reflecting back on it also gives me insight on why I didn't do the thing. Maybe life veered of course for a little bit, maybe depression hit extra hard, maybe there was conflict or a pandemic. Basically: there is probably a reason why that thing didn't get done. (Beware, this can also become a cycle of excusing yourself for not doing anything, it's a fine line, but the more you work at it the easier it becomes to keep it in sight at all times.)

Sometimes we set resolutions at the start of the new year, and they're way off. Someone who doesn't read at all will hope to read 12 books in a year. Someone who never goes to the gym will decide that they will sign up and go 5 times a week at 6 am. Is it feasible, or a totally different reality from the one you're in right now? Maybe you gave yourself a goal like 'Be a better person', 'Help the world' or 'Be healthy'. But what exactly do you mean? How will you get there?

Resolutions are great, but intentions are better. (imo)

Resolutions are audacious, 180-degree-your-life, uproot your soul type things. Intentions are steps towards a goal. Intentions say, 'This is where I want to start'. Resolutions say, 'This is where I wanna finish'. Both great, but one of them is more helpful in making the journey.

So, January has been about setting those intentions. The biggest of which, for me, is 'check-in consciously throughout the day'. I set two alarms at differing hours of the day, and when they go off, no matter what I'm doing, I will turn to the present moment. A big struggle for me my whole life has been with intrusive/cyclical thoughts and I often find myself miles away instead of right here and right now. So this is my way of reprogramming my brain. (Let's be real for a second, this is my intention, but does my anxiety-riddled brain want to do it? No. It knows exactly what I'm trying to do—take away its candy and get in the driver's seat—and it doesn't like it). I'm aware it'll get easier as it goes along, but I know that it'll take time. I also know that a few years down the line I'll be thinking of how my brain used to constantly go *there* and shudder.

Cheers to 2022.

I hope you set intentions/resolutions/goals/dreams/bucket list items that excite you, and I hope you smash 'em.